If as an adult you have difficulty communicating with your parents, it’s possible that you still have not separated from them emotionally. Typically, this problem occurs in those who don’t know how to build boundaries in the relationship with their loved ones and allow themselves to be manipulated. What separation is and why is it significant for each person?
What Is Separation
Separation means psychological separation from your mother and father and independence from them. This process of identity formation is important for every person because without it, people cannot feel emotionally adult.
As a rule, the active phase of separation starts at a transitional age (13-18 years old), when adolescents stop being frank with their parents and expect their approval. At this time, they develop their own values, which may contradict the attitudes of the older generation. Then comes the period of late adolescence (18-23 years old), ideal for the beginning of an independent life.
Relationship With Parents
Emotional separation takes place not only on an emotional level, but also on two other levels:
- Material. You can fully support yourself financially without anyone else’s help.
- Values. You have your own values that you follow through life, even if your parents don’t support you.
A sure sign of psychological maturity and independence is having your own opinion and not feeling guilty in front of your loved ones.
Signs of Incomplete Separation
You can tell that you have not yet separated from your parents by the following signs:
- You are still living together with your mom and dad, accepting financial help from them, or living entirely off of them.
- You call your parents several times a day. If you don’t call, you feel guilty.
- Often do something to your detriment to help loved ones, even if they can easily do without you.
- Afraid to take responsibility for your life and blame your parents for your failures.
- Relatives violate your boundaries, manipulate, influence your decisions about your studies, choice of profession, work, personal life, appearance, etc.
- Often in conflict with your mother or father, harboring resentments against them for years.
- Cannot make even the simplest decisions on your own, in everything consult first with your loved ones. You ask their advice even while betting at 22Bet – live casino online or choosing a new job.
- Constantly face problems in your personal life because you want your partner to be completely like your father.
- Conflict with your children because you aren’t the authority for them.
What Are the Harms of Incomplete Separation
If an adult still has not learned to build personal boundaries in his relationship with his parents, he will always feel like a child who is unable to control his life. He will feel helpless, unable to hear his own desires, unable to develop as a person. Often people who are dependent on mom and dad have low self-esteem, fall into the role of a victim, wait for approval from others and cannot find themselves.
How to Go Through Separation on Your Own
To separate from your mother and father, the first thing you need to do is:
- Move away from your parents. Most people who begin to live in a separate apartment, quickly improve relations with their loved ones: there are fewer quarrels, the person learns to make adult decisions, independently manage their lives.
- Start to fully provide for yourself. Even if you find a new place to live, you may continue to receive money from older family members. This has to stop, otherwise you will still be dependent.
- Stop telling every little detail about yourself. If loved ones are interested in your life, it’s unnecessary to report in detail about your life and plans. This is especially true when parents used to manipulate you.
- Make yourself a priority. You need to learn to think first and foremost about their desires, and stop doing anything to your detriment.
- Set boundaries. At the stage of separation, it’s important to tactfully explain to your parents what behavior is acceptable for you and what behavior is not.
Separation is an important stage in life, which should pass absolutely every person. If you have been living separately for a long time and know how to defend their boundaries, but still feel guilty in front of your parents, it’s recommended to see a psychologist. A specialist will help you cope with the problem and strengthen your relationship with your mother and father.
